“Bouncing Round the World"
(Energy Drinks)

August.2008 

Please forgive me if I’m a little out of sorts today. I was up all night sleep’n. I couldn’t help it. I was so excited about this month’s topic of conversation-Energy Drinks that I ended up slamming down a sixer of these caffeine cannons in a row. Well all I have to say is one thing… Woooooooooohooooooo AM I WIRED!!!!!!!

Man freakin alive, never in all my years have I ever seen a substance with such “potential energy” gain so much popularity and momentum so fast. I guess I can understand why given the alleged benefits. Who wouldn’t want to have more energy, better brain function, enhanced mood, a higher metabolism, and in some cases, a curbed appetite? My hand happens to be up in the air right now. I’ll sign up for that. But there is something else that I will never sign up for: Mood swings, energy crashes, depression, nervousness, overdosing, toxicity, artificial ingredients, and above all… Stupidity! Believe it or not, stupidity can often times end up in death. How fun is that? All ages, makes, and models seem to be walking the streets and lining the halls can in hand these days, as proud as a peacock strutting its stuff at the Space Farms Zoo in Sussex, NJ. This can be credited to, or depending on how you look at it, BLAMED on, shrewd marketing, busy schedules, lack of sleep and the feeling of immortality that comes attached to the front end after gulping one of these babies down. Being that there is no real governance around them, they are open season for all ages so it appears to me that these have become the cool thing to do. But it is not just the under age crowd that I’d like to address. It is you… AND you… AND you… AND you… AND you and you and you and you, and even, you guessed it, you too!!! It is all of you that drink these things like they are going into recall and you abuse the holy hell out of them AND of your body. I’m not trying to be your mother, and I’m not trying to make you angry. All I’m trying to do is create some awareness in your life.

Honestly, I have no real problem with the concept of energy drinks. I actually have a personal story to tell about how I got involved with them that I’ll get to a bit later. My main concern is fixated on two major components: INGREDIENTS AND STUPIDITY. I feel that there is a time and place for all of your every day ergogenic aids. The key words here are “Time and Place,” not to be confused with “Abuse and Overuse.” I’m going to give you an example. I walk into the gym every single morning well before the crack-ass of dawn. I look around and observe the people as they slowly populate the floor. I would say 9 out of 10 have some form of energy drink in their grasp. Some of which are these huge ass cans that cast a shadow large enough to park a Hummer in. Honestly, if I drank one of those things, I’d be bouncing off the ceiling, and I wouldn’t sleep for a week. Not only is this a morning ritual for some people, but it is sometimes the first of three or more a day. This is called Overuse.

I have done some research, and there is approximately 60mg of caffeine in a cup of coffee. Some of these big cans pack anywhere from 175 to 240mg. That is a lot of caffeine to be swallowing in a hurry. It is not uncommon to drink one can in 15 minutes. That is just like drinking 4 cups of coffee. If you repeated this sequence three times in a day, you are not only drinking the equivalent of 12 cups of coffee, but you are making your heart pound out of your chest unrelated to exercise. This is why caffeine is called a stimulant. I have actually read articles about kids in school drinking 6 to 8 in a row in competitions. That is back-to-back with no rest in-between. Are you kidding me? This is where the stupidity comes into play. You not only have to worry about the caffeine, but most of these drinks are also loaded with HFCS, artificial colors, artificial flavors and glycerol ester of wood resin. The last ingredient in that list is supposedly harmless. But quite honestly, I’m no beaver, so I prefer to leave the wood products to the amphibians; or whatever species the beavers belong to.

Then you have the low carb, sugar free varieties. OK, so they may have less calories and carbs, and are usually a slight less potent in the caffeine area, but you now have all the artificial sweeteners to contend with. These include sucralose, aspartame, acesulfame potassium, and saccharin. Dudes, please ask yourself a question on my behalf…Why would you want to CONTEND with anything? What’s so hard about living a simple life with proper dieting, proper exercise, proper fluid intake and proper rest? I guess taking a 20 minute power nap is not as appealing as chugging down your weight in liquid body-rocket fuel in 20 minutes instead. OK, well if that’s the way it has to be, then let me at least give you The GRAD and GRAB. You see, the FDA has this set of guidelines they call GRAS which means Generally Regarded As Safe. Well, it just so happens that I have my own classification system as well. But before I get there, let me finish my thought from earlier about how I was first struck with this whole energy drink phenomenon.

One sunny Saturday afternoon about a year ago, I ducked into my then favorite coffee house to check my emails. I had come in there physically spent from a long day of rigorous exercise and I was in need of a pick-me-up. At that moment, I found my hook up. They had this energy drink there that I was quite familiar with called Xyience Energy. For those of you that don’t know, at this time they were a proud sponsor of the UFC, which I happen to be a big fan of.  Both the coffee shop AND Xyience are now defunct. As coincidence would have it, through later investigation, I found out that the reason behind the mutual demises was bad management. How ‘bout that for a weird twist of irony? So I fancied up to the register, bought myself a cran razz, and went back to work.

My exhaustion and fatigue was only half the reason I spent $2.39 on this can of fire power. The other half of the reason was to see what kind of effect it would have on my body because, don’t forget, I am an experimentalist. Not an Exhibitionist! There is a big difference. Being that I was a complete energy drink neophyte, I wanted to see first hand what the hype was all about. And believe you me, I found out just that. I would say it was somewhere around sip three or four that I started to become wide awake. My mind was as sharp as a scalpel, my veins were all dilated and I felt like I could spin the world on my finger like a giant Harlem Globetrotter. Now remember, this was about 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I spent the next 6 hours as high strung as I can possibly remember. This was an experience like none other that I have ever felt. My mind was racing, I was shaking like a leaf and I had become really tense and nervous. I also later inspected the can to find out that it was sugared with sucralose when on the front it says ”All natural flavors and colors.” Sorry, but that is false advertising. If you happen to be one of my followers, then you know my rules by now. No matter what the front of the can or bottle says, ALWAYS look in the ingredient label first.

So to make a long story short, the effects that I just mentioned wore off in about 6 hours, and I was very restless. I woke up a couple times during the night and had a hard time falling back to sleep. Every time I woke up, my mind was racing, and I felt a lot of anxiety. Was this residual effect really worth the few hours of super human physical and mental strength?

I used this incident as a learning experience and have now set up a few rules for myself. You can call this regulation, you can call this moderation or you can call this awareness. In the end, it’s really just common sense. I recognize what my body needs and how it deals with energy drinks. So I won’t drink them past 3 o’clock in the afternoon, I won’t drink them unless they are all natural and I won’t have more than 1 can in a day.  So with that let’s get back to the Grad and Grab.

GRAD

GRAD is Generally Regarded As Dumb. If you happen to drink any of the following beverages, or if you drink an excess of one per day, or you have two or three cups of coffee in the morning then some canned energy in the afternoon, I’m sorry, you fall into the GRAD category…

Please don’t get offended if you look at the corner of your desk and spot the name of your favorite beverage in my list below…

Red Bull. Believe it or not Red Bull, the numero uno energy drink on the market has no HFCS in the ingredients, but the bastards still sneak the words “artificial flavors” in there. So they have to face the firing squad for this devious act!

Sobe Energy. I used to drink Sobe drinks all the time years ago. But I got away from them because of the HFCS and the high calorie content. They have since joined the energy drink revolution and have a handful of varieties to choose from. None of them are worth a damn because they have the normal negative qualities. The only bright spot they have is the Berry Pomegranate Essential Energy drink. This is the only one they have with no funny business in the ingredients. Other than that, don’t waste your time or money.

Monster, Rockstar, Full Throttle, No Fear, Amp, Tab Energy, Bookoo, Monster XXL, Ripped Force, Redline, and Starbucks Double shot Espresso. Stay away from these cans. Stay FAR away. In addition to the mass amounts of caffeine, they also all come equipped with, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, artificial flavors, and WARNING LABELS! This is where you really need to pay attention. Most of the warning labels are printed really small and you need a friggin’ microscope to read them. But I beg that you take them to your nearest science lab and do so. The law only requires them to be on there. There is no regulation on how big they need to be.

GRAB

GRAB is Generally Regarded As Bright. In the fortunate circumstance that you listen to what your body tells you, AND you have listened to what MY body told you, then you are going to be placed into the GRAB category. You understand regulation, moderation, and awareness. This also includes drinking only all natural beverages. Yes, there are actually some good, healthy energy drink companies out there. They still have the caffeine, but they don’t have any other foul ingredients in them. Here are a few of my favorites…

Guru Energy. www.guruenergy.com/#/canada/drinks.php

Steaz Energy. www.steazenergy.com. (You probably remember me talking about their healthy soda alternatives from an earlier Gut Check.)

Blue Energy. www.steazenergy.com

Here is another cool website I’d like you to check out: www.energyfiend.com. It lists caffeine content of beverages and foods, the amount of sugar in drinks, and also how much caffeine it would take to kill you for your weight. I told you it was cool!

So let’s get down to the cinco de ocho. I know, five of eight has absolutely no relevance to this article whatsoever other than the fact that it is 7:55 pm right now. I just think it sounds cool when I say it and write it; not to mention it is the reciprocal number of a famous wide receiver that plays for the Cincinnati Bengals in the NFL. He’s not my favorite receiver, but I’m just a big fan of plays on words and he has done it well. Not to mention, preseason football has started, and I am excited about the upcoming year.    

Let’s bottom line today’s festivities… Any way you look at it, if you overindulge in any of the above energy drinks, you’re going to find yourself bouncing round the universe; and the more of this stuff you drink, the more acclimated your body becomes. So you’re going to need more and more each time. Before you know it, you are going to turn into that guy that comes walking into the gym first thing in the morning with one of those 32 oz. whopper energy drinks stuck to his lips who ends up dropping fully loaded barbells and throwing weight plates on the racks like a mad man because he’s so high strung. Please don’t turn into this villainous bastard. It disrupts the entire gym, it doesn’t make you look cool, and it scares the holy living hell out of the entire neighborhood that is still fast asleep!

Rock the Walk

Ooh…I got a gem for you this month. Are you ready? Then what are we standing around yapping for? Here it is… Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. I just can’t get enough of this song. It is so infectious and catchy I guarantee you’ll be humming it to yourself all day.

Since we’ve covered the drinks, let’s slip into some bars; Energy Bars that is. Stay tuned next month when I give you the skinny AND the fatty on your favorite pocket companions for work, play, and sport.

Always remember, no matter what you’ve been told, shirts are overrated, and the customer is ALWAYS wrong!