“Chocolate Covered Cigarettes"
(New Year's Resolutions)

January.2009

I interrupt this program to bring you the following announcement directly from the front office of The Lean Berets: Avengers of Health! The comments and footage you are about to view and hear are both graphic and violent in nature. It is not intended to offend or ridicule anyone. It is at the sole purpose of The Lean Berets and all of its affiliates to create awareness and an impact on the world that will be felt on a global level. Political discretion is highly un-suggested... 

Honestly, I don’t even want to hear it, unless you are absolutely serious. And don’t sit there with a puzzled look on your face either. You know exactly what I am talking about! Look me right in the eye, then put down the pie, throw away the carton of cigarettes, quit shoveling chocolate in your mouth, and for God’s sake, get your ass into the gym! HELLO, now I think you see me standing here don’t you? If you haven’t looked out your window lately or taken a deep inhale of frosty, crisp, cold, wintry air, it has come time for the resolution to begin. This edition of the Check particularly applies to those of you who like to sign checks that ultimately go uncashed or like to build foundations made of super elastic bubble plastic.

Regardless of what the New Year’s Resolution is, there is a point behind it that an unfortunately high volume of people overlook. The idea is to end a bad habit and/or start a good one. Because of being brainwashed at a young age and indoctrinated to buy into certain paradigms, many people choose to use the first day of the New Year as their launching pad for a better body behavior and sensation of success. Well I’ve got a big problem with that. Why wait until New Year’s Day to get your ass in motion? I mean seriously; you know what you want to do. You know what needs to be done. Why follow the pack and WAIT to get it on? I say, just throw down and shut up! Instead of starting the year off with a new goal or habit, GO INTO the New Year strong, with momentum and firing on all cylinders.

In a lot of cases, as the month of December comes to a close, the topic of New Year’s Resolutions becomes quite popular at office parties and family dinner tables nationwide. It always boils down to people saying “This year, I’m giving up fried foods and refined sugars because I’m getting too fat.” Mind you, these statements are being made by a person with fudge impacted under their fingernails, a glazed crueler in their left hand and a triple mocha chino latte in the right. Then when questioned about their goal, they look at you and say, “Oh, I’m just going to let myself go and enjoy the rest of the year.” Uhhh, I’ve heard this so many times in my life it’s not even funny. Enjoy the rest of year? Just saying that statement out loud is setting you up for disaster. That sounds so defeatist; like it is going to be a long, hard, strenuous, arduous task. So then when the end of the year rolls around, guess what? Their baby toe grazes the water and they pull back quickly as scared as all hell to jump in. They then resort right back to the old habits and it’s back to business as usual. That’s why I say to throw down as soon as the thought enters the mind. Live in the moment, in the present; not in the future, not in the past, not in the never was or will be. Don’t even give yourself a chance to think about it.  

Have I offended you yet? Be as that may, I’m not going to back down. MY New Year’s Resolution is to tell the truth. How about that? Being that I throw down and not wait to follow the herd, I’m starting right now! Don’t get me wrong, I’ll give credit where it’s due and my hat goes off to those of you who actually follow through and make your intentions become reality, but if you’re waddling around in the strawberry flavored marshmallow fluff, then hopefully my honesty will have an impact on you.

Here’s another thing that really curdles my cottage cheese. Have you ever met someone that does a fast or cleanse? This is a very popular, common thing these days and is often found in the pages of the resolutionary companion hand book. People try to eliminate toxins and impurities from their systems so they resort to cleanses or detoxs as they are often interchangeably called. The point again is to stop a bad behavior and start a new one. This usually gives someone a license  to enjoy a guilt free New Year’s Eve night filled to the brim with beer, wine, mixed drinks, champagne, and mega doses of ill advised foods spanning from wings to pizza to burgers to Polish AND Italian sausages. Might as well finish the year off bang’n right? I had a problem earlier and that problem just got aggravated to a higher degree.

I always pride myself in finishing strong with everything I do. When it comes to cleanses, there is no difference. The problem comes into play when people finish off their two to four week cleanse with a celebratory night of overeating and drinking in excess. What the hell is that? Are you freakin’ kidding me? If you’re going to do a cleanse, then do it for the right reasons. It is designed to give the body new life with new behaviors and new found energy. It is not like going on vacation and returning to the same spot that you started after finishing up. It is to MAINTAIN the feeling of good health and high energy levels. 

Then you have the half-assed cleanse. This is the art of swallowing shakes, shoveling pills down your throat, drinking buckets of water and then looking me in the eye and expecting me to take you serious as you have a big, nasty, disgusting hunk of Skoal conveniently pinched between your cheek and gum; with a coffee cup spittoon can sitting idly by as well. This is a true story I might add. That’s freakin’ insulting! Do I look like a fool? Just like the resolution, either you’re throwing down or you’re throwing fluff. Doing a cleanse while chewing and drinking beer isn’t going to do a damn thing. That is worse than one step forward and two steps back. It’s more like one step forward and ten steps back.

So this New Years, do yourself and myself a favor. MEAN what you say, don’t hunt what you can’t kill and keep your face out of the punch bowl!   

Rock the Walk

You thought I forgot didn’t you? I’m not going to leave you hangin’ without my cool tune pick of the month to be sloshing through your mind! This tune has been reverberating through my mind for weeks now and for good reason. It’s as catchy as the 24 hour stomach flu in kindergarten class. It is called Rise above This by Seether. Don’t question it. Just buy it, download it, copy and paste it, or rip it from your brother’s iPod. But most of all, turn it up and rock on!