“Bar Wars"
(Energy Bars)

Thanksgiving.2008   

Let’s step into the bar shall we? No, I’m not talking about the one that serves you alcohol or the one that will give you a goose egg when you’re hit in the forehead with it. I’m talking about the one that administers vitamins, minerals, nutrients, carbs, protein, fiber, and in far too many cases, artificial crap to your body. These bars have commonly been coined as energy bars, nutritional bars, meal replacement bars, health bars, and even glorified candy bars - the ones that have so much damn sugar in them that you can feed sixteen armies of ants spanning all the way from Madagascar to the Union of Socialist Soviet Republics.  

Bars come in all shapes and sizes from all different companies hitting you from all different angles with all types of marketing pitches. Even Snickers has now thrown their hand into the energy bar arena with their take on something that is otherwise known as healthy called the Marathon bar. Well let me be the first to tell you that this is as big a joke as Horace Pinker running for president.

Store shelves are getting more and more populated with bars nowadays then ever before. You’ve got all kinds; high fat, low fat, no fat, no sugar, no fiber, high fiber, high protein, high carb, low carb, no carb, all natural, all organic, all raw, all fruit, no fruit, alkaline, creatine, caffeine, and one of my personal all time overall favorites, the cardboard bar. This is the bar that looks and feels like petrified, recycled, and regurgitated cardboard that has been treated and encapsulated with artificial synthetic sweeteners. It stands about one quarter of an inch in thickness by 2 inches in width and 5 inches in length. If you should happen to get hit in the head with one of these babies, it will SURELY leave a goose egg. Just envision slicing a brick into a quarter inch thickness and try to eat it. I’m pretty sure the results of you biting in to one will lead to an unfavorable road trip to the orthodontist or oral surgeon. I’ll elaborate on this object with bar-like symptoms a little later on in the broadcast in the Bar Exam. We will see if your bar has what it takes to pass or if it gets summoned to the Lean Berets Firing Squad. Right now we need to get down to some underlying, straight-up solidarity. So let’s join hands in peaceful jubilation and take on the Bar Wars with all guns blasting!

OK, OK… I know you’re always in a hurry, I know you might be hungry and I also know you don’t have time to prepare a meal. But that doesn’t give you the license or excuse to shovel ill-advised objects in your mouth without consulting with the ingredient label first. You are never exempt from that so you might as well just give up trying right now. And don’t think I don’t see you; and don’t think that you are safe just because we went to different schools together! You are never safe when I am at the mike or we are in different area codes.

Bar Exam

Under normal circumstances, in order to become a lawyer, you need to go through a long, arduous test before you can practice. Well, I have a test of my own that is not nearly as hard, long, or arduous. It is my take on the Bar Exam. It has two simple components; Fatty Assets and Firing Squad! That’s it. In order for it to pass MY test and be considered a Fatty Asset, it needs to taste good, it needs to be clean, and it needs to be good for you. Those are the 3 simple rules that can save a bar from obliteration. If it causes any form of bodily discomfort whatsoever, it goes straight from the cross hairs to microfilaments scattered all over the firing range. There is no gray area. Life is too short to be placated with indecision. I’ll let you know what bars to avoid and which ones belong in your cabinets, your brief cases, your book bags, your purses, your gym bags and ultimately in your bellies.

Taste vs. Waste

Now, let’s explore the world of sampling. Man, when it comes to taste testing and sampling, I am the gold card carrying member. I love going to health food shows and fitness conventions just to taste the loads of samples being thrown at you like fastballs from the fingertips of Rollie Fingers in the 1974 ALCS. Over the years, I can honestly say I have had my fair share of great tasting bars and of course, I’ve had my share of stomach convulsions as well that were brought on by the ones that taste like alcohol and leave a bad taste in your mouth that you keep being reminded of hours later when you belch up residual flavors and acidic remnants that resemble that of toxic waste. They ought to fittingly categorize these as “Waste Tests” instead of taste tests.

I specifically remember one fateful night back in 2000. It was right before Xmas and I was shopping with my friend DJ. You will see his name pop up quite a bit in my testimonials because he always seemed to be present back in the day when I was in charge of running the streets in Northeast, PA. Anyway, we were about to step into Petco when I got this rumbling in my tummy. Before I knew it, I was all but doubled over in pain as he inspected the fish tanks and asked my opinion on what color fish I thought his fiancé would like the most. Honestly, at that point, it didn’t matter if she wanted magenta, pink, purple or freakin' turquoise. All I knew was, I needed to get my ass out of that store and to a latrine, and I needed to do it in a hurry.

The reason for my untimely dismissal was because of the events that took place not but 30 minutes prior to stepping into that pet store. You see, we had just come from the mall where there was a GNC conveniently located. Now, I never was and currently am NOT a big fan of GNC; or do I ever see myself becoming one. But when you are out and about and you are hungry and need a quick fix, sometimes you need to compromise your principles. Unlucky for me, this was one of those days. I started getting hungry and I knew I wasn’t going to be fed for a while. I needed to take the edge off and I’ll be damned if I was going to support a bloody fast food chain or hot dog vendor. So I walked into GNC and quickly found my way to the “discounted items” bin. You know what I’m talking about. It is a huge basket-like structure filled to the brim with bars, supplements, and in some cases apparel, of severely discounted items. A lot of the stuff is usually either outdated or right on the verge. But you as a buyer, patron and customer don’t know this unless you look really hard for the expiration date on the package. Welcome to the wonderful world of fraudulent bunk; being misled and falsely advertised to!

On this night, my bar of destruction happened to be called the Monkey Bar. I gotta admit, I do love the name, but that’s where the romance ends. They were on sale for the low low price of just $.99! Wow I thought. “How could you go wrong; buying a bar for a buck? That’s like a dream come true.” Well it actually ended up being a nightmare come true.

The nightmare started in Petco and proceeded to last 7 days thereafter. That’s right, you didn’t misunderstand me. I started to get sick in Petco and was sick for the next seven days! I’m not going to go into graphic detail about what bodily functions were taking place, but let’s just say I was firing at both ends loud and clear and nothing seemed to alleviate the pain in my gut. I was basically bed ridden and every time I stood up, I doubled over and tip toed to the bathroom because the stomach pain was so severe.

The reason this happened is because the universe decided to appoint me to be your sacrificial lamb for all of you to live vicariously through to learn from. You see, from bite one; I knew something wasn’t quite right. It had a suspicious taste to it. It smelled and reminded me of alcohol. But not top shelf alcohol; it was more like very low grade, cheap-ass whiskey that has been sitting out on a counter opened for days on end. That was the artificial sweetener. To be more specific, this stuff is called MALTITOL. This is a “sugar alcohol” that is low in calories and doesn’t spike your blood sugar. Well that’s just great. But right now, I need you to look me in the eye and promise me that you won’t be stupid like I was. Do everything in your power to avoid this stuff at all costs. Not only does it have a strong, pungent taste, but it also causes gas, bloating, cramping, and diarrhea. HELLO!!! I would like to officially welcome you all to my nightmare. Please take your shoes of before entering, thank you very much. You don’t need to jump under your bed and you don’t need to brace yourself inside a doorway. Just be aware of your surroundings and don’t even give your body the chance to experiment with this stuff. It’s bad news. So who passes the Bar exam? Let’s step deeper into the abyss and find out…

Firing Squad

I need to ask you a question. Look me in the eye again and tell me, how can you possibly consider yourself a health bar company trying to do what’s good for people when you have partially hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), artificial flavors, artificial colors and artificial sweeteners in your bars? News flash… You can’t!!! I proclaim this as false advertising and yet you get away with it day in and day out. Shame on the following imposters!

Slim Fast. I can’t think of a better way to warm up the Uzis than with one of America ’s favorites. I would be willing to bet that a very high percentage of you totaling around the upper nineties have at least tried a Slim Fast product in your life. I’ll admit that I have.

I tried, I tried really hard. I promise you that because I know Slim Fast is such a household name and staple in so many people’s diet plans. But I’ll be damned if every single Slim Fast product right on down to their “delicious” Optima bars has either partially hydrogenated oils (in the form of palm which is the lowest of the low), or HFCS in them. Sorry to all you loyal fans, but I have to give it the thumbs down. Oh, and by the way, the drinks are no where near safe either. What they might have in precisional macronutrient make-up, they lose in artificial flavors, sucralose, yellow #5 and other artificial colors. To the firing squad they go.

Premier Nutrition. A good word that comes to mind when I think about these guys is… Atrocity. Take a look at this excerpt from an ingredient label and pay specific attention to the highlighted regions- less than 2% of each of the following: Partially Hydrogenated Palm Oil, Sunflower Oil, Sugar, Cocoa, Tapioca Starch, Butter (Cream, Salt) Natural & Artificial Flavors, Nonfat Milk, Corn Starch, Salt, Invert Sugar, Caramel Color. I don’t know if I can speak for you, but I LOVE the “less than 2% of the following” message. If it’s less than 2% then why even put it in there at all dammit? Do you know what happens to the human body if it’s 2% dehydrated? Bad things. REALLY bad things!!!  So whether it’s 2% or 200%, the stuff is still in there, you are still eating it, and it is still bad for you. Don’t think you’re safe with any one of their bars. They all have a minimum of sucralose and a maximum of HFCS, hydrogenated oils and artificial colors. It’s a nasty business really.

Myoplex Deluxe by EAS. Honestly, this is a company that I held dear to my heart for a good 4 years or so. I used to buy all their stuff with the bars and shakes making daily appearances as staples in my diet plan. This was until I started getting wiser. They actually have HFCS, artificial flavors AND sucralose in their bars. And those bars that don’t have HFCS still have artificial colors and sucralose in them. When does the madness end? I trusted them and they took Advantage of me (no pun intended). They would be a great company if they didn’t have to resort to the usual ill advised ingredients to manufacture their products.

Special K. Now you have the “special” line of “special” products from Special K. Give me a “special” break would you? They could possibly be the worst of the worst. Every single one of the items they put out on the market that they tell you are healthy and good for you are super saturated with acesulfame potassium, artificial colors, and HFCS. They also like to add in TBHQ to preserve freshness. Remember, whenever you see acronyms in an ingredient label, throw the product on the floor, stomp on it and run like hell! This goes for the bars, the waters, the cereals, the snacks and everything else in between. By the way, TBHQ stands for tertiary butylhydroquinone. Say that 10 times fast while you’re resting.

As coincidence would have it, you do not have access to their ingredient labels on line. Hmmm… I wonder who came up with that plan? I would guess some smart marketing CEO.

Power Bar. Here is one of the oldest and most popular bar companies in the world. I know you have all tried one or two of these in your life right? Well, remember the cardboard bar I spoke about earlier. You’ve now found it. Over the years they have actually cleaned up their acts and are now trying to include organic ingredients in some of their products, but NOT all. You can still find the normal unhealthy intruders in the ingredients on a number of their products. Shamefully for them, they sponsor and poison so many athletes that it makes me sick to my stomach. I really wish these organizations would read my article and chose one of my Fatty Assets instead. Here is a nutrition label for you. Again, notice the highlighted regions.

POWERBAR TRISOURCE™ PROTEIN BLEND (WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE, CALCIUM CASEINATE, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE), BROWN RICE SYRUP, CHOCOLATEY COATING (SUGAR, FRACTIONATED PALM KERNEL OIL, ALKALIZED COCOA, WHEY POWDER, NONFAT MILK, SOY LECITHIN, VANILLA), HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, GLYCERIN, MALTITOL SYRUP, ALKALIZED COCOA, NATURAL FLAVORS, SOY LECITHIN, OAT FIBER, ALMOND BUTTER, PEANUT FLOUR.

Tigers Milk, MLO Sports Nutrition’s Extreme Bars, Zone, Zone Perfect, Balance, Detour, Power Bar (they get 2 placements). I decided to just horizontally list these all together to save time and space. These are all the glorified candy bars that I referred to above. They have a scant amount of fiber, and they sign a bunch of checks that their asses can’t cash. Not all of the above have artificial ingredients but there are WAY better bars on the market to choose from.

OK, so we spent enough time talking in the negative mind frame. Now it’s time to divert out attention to a nice warm pool of positive energy. Let’s talk about the good guys, the freedom fighters, the guys who are ON your side and want to do what’s best for your body AND the environment.

Fatty Assets

Where do I begin? OK, first things first, a quick lesson in healthy bars: Always get a bar with a minimum of 4g of fiber, make sure it is all natural, make sure it has no artificial anything, and make sure it tastes good. And for God’s sake, don’t worry about the fat content. Worrying about frivolous stuff will only cause helio bacter pylori syndrome. You actually WANT fat in your bar. Just make sure it is the right kind; coconut, almonds, seeds, olive oil, etc. These are essential fats. They actually will help preserve your mind and body. Not to mention this will slow the digestive process giving you a longer feeling of satiation. OK let’s get to the bars…

Probar. Every single one of these bars is outstanding. They are actually farmed right in my former home town of Park City , UT. The owner of this bar is a vegan, and he uses all organic and natural ingredients. He would have it no other way. They are high in fat, high in fiber, and mostly high in flavor. No matter if you choose the Apple Cinnamon Crunch or the new Sweet and Salty line, you are in for one hell of a mouth watering power packing treat. Buy these and do it by the case! www.theprobar.com  

Cliff Bar. I am really glad to see the popularity growth of Cliff Bars over the past few years. They also breed the organic all natural message and again, you can’t go wrong with any of their products. My personal favorite are the Builder Bars. They have bars designed for men, women, children, athletes, vegans and vegetarians. They’re all delicious and all for the environment. www.clifbar.com

Pemican Bars. These are not for those of you who are calorically squeamish. They weigh in at about 410 to 440 kcals depending on which one you get. They look like a big fat, thick, nasty brownie. But believe me when I tell you, they are far from nasty! They are high in fiber, high in fat, low on the glycemic index, and they have all 8 essential amino acids. From the view over my shoulder, you can’t go wrong. The actual company name is Bear Valley . Feel free to check them out right here - www.mealpack.com

Jennies Omega 3 Energy Bars. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE these!!! I highly suggest you get your grips on one as soon as you finish my article. They are high in Omega 3s, they are high in fiber and they have a decent amount of protein. Not to mention they only weigh in at 270 kcals. If you like coconut, these are the bars for you. They are also great to take on airplanes. Get the skinny right here. www.macaroonking.com

Raw Revolution Bars. OK all you raw foodists out there, I didn’t forget about you. These bars are so good that I’m surprised it’s legal. They are gluten free, vegan, wheat, corn, soy, trans-fat, cholesterol and refined sugar free. They have a wide selection of flavors to choose from and they will not cause fermentation in the body. Leave that to the fast food. http://rawindulgence.com

Biochem Greens and Whey, Raw Foods and Whey Bars. The chocolate peanut butter greens and whey bar is to die for. This bar obviously has greens entrained in it and it also has a good amount of whey protein. The raw foods and whey bar is not completely raw but it does have raw foods in it and it tastes great as well. Here is the website. Be cautious of the low carb Strive bar you will see. It has sucralose in it. I don’t condone low carb anyway. www.biochem-fitness.com/bars.html

OK, I think that should cover you for a while. There are still some other good AND ugly bars out there, but the ones I mentioned are the most popular and my personal favorites. You may agree or disagree, but that’s what makes America the best place in the world to live.  

I don’t know what we’re going to talk about next month, but I do know I’ll make it as entertaining as I can and I will surly bring the Lean Beret attitude.

Remember, if your knuckles aren’t bleeding, then you’re not punching hard enough! Stand up for yourself, never back down and never say the “f” word to a female; FAT that is.